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Mother Nurture
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Jan Hanson, L.Ac. 2001, 2002, 2003
Teaching Kids Psychological Skills
In our last column, we discussed how
to create a nurturing and structured environment for spirited or
cautious/rigid children. In this column, we're broadening our focus
to explore how to teach basic, essential psychological skills that
all children need, like being able to let go of upsetting
experiences or take in positive ones.
Relaxation
Especially in early childhood, a child's
reactions to things are more a matter of the body than the mind.
When the body is more settled, the reactions usually becomes less
extreme, and it is easier for him to think clearly and control
himself - and remember what his momma said! That's why knowing how
to settle his body down is vitally useful to a child.
One of the best ways to teach this skill
is at night, when a child is already more relaxed and open, and more
willing to try (or put up with) some new things just to keep his mom
or dad in the room. We suggest leading your child through some of
these techniques and finding the ones that work for him:
• Draw letters or shapes on his back and
see if he can figure them out
• Tense his muscles for about five
seconds and then relax completely
• Systematically put his attention on
each major part of his body, starting with his feet and working up
to his head
• Take big breaths; one trick is to get
a child to exhale fully and then hold the exhalation for a couple of
seconds - when he inhales, he'll naturally take a big
breath
• Imagine that he is very heavy, sinking
more and more deeply into his bed
• Imagine that his hands are very
warm
• Recall or imagine a very relaxing
scene, like snuggling in bed with you
You would normally spend five to fifteen
minutes a night on these methods. As he gains more experience, you
can ask your child to relax his body increasingly on his own. And
during the day, you can gently encourage him to recall those
feelings of relaxation or to use the techniques he has learned.
Letting Go of Upsetting
Feelings
Over time, upsetting experiences form a
kind of residue in a child's emotional memory banks. The next time a
similar situation occurs, that residue gets activated and
intensifies her reactions, like a pre-amp blasting music out of the
loudspeakers. Besides being more uncomfortable for the child and
stressful for you, her BIG reactions trigger more intense responses
from other kids or adults - making her feel more picked on than
ever, more unfairly dealt with, more besieged and anxious and angry,
and worse about herself.
So teaching her how to filter out
painful feelings at the end of the day, or as the day goes along,
can be very helpful. Again at night, when you've got a captive
audience, you can follow the relaxation by asking your child to
recall anything that was bothersome or upsetting during the day, and
then imagine that those feelings are being released through one or
more of these methods:
• Let her vent for a few minutes. During
that time, try not to dampen her feelings (e.g., It's not as bad as
all that).
• Exhale the feelings with each breath;
perhaps imagine that the breath is like a broom that sweeps dusty,
schmuggy feelings away: Good riddance!
• Let them drain out of the body,
perhaps as if there were tiny valves at the tips of each finger and
toe
• Imagine the feelings being swept away
by standing in a cool and refreshing stream on a beautiful, sunny
day
• Imagine putting the feelings into a
jar and tossing it into a river to be carried off to the sea, or
placing them on a rocket ship blasting off to be burned up in the
sun
• Imagine that a cord of some kind
connects her to the things that are bothering her, and then she
takes a pair of golden, super-powerful scissors and cuts the
cord
• Say to herself phrases such as, Let it
go, it's alright, I can feel better now.
As with relaxation, you would ask your
child to use these methods increasingly on her own, both at night
and during the day.Taking In Good Experiences
A child will have lots of positive
experiences in a day, but many of them may flow through his
awareness without really sticking. On the other hand, if the good
moments sink in, they become a crucial resource inside, a source of
soothing and encouragement he can draw on the next time things get
rough. They contradict the negative, self-fulfilling beliefs he
might have, such as I'll never do it right, or No one likes me, so
why bother trying to be nice? They are a counter-weight in emotional
memory to the painful moments of life. For example, paying special
attention to taking in good experiences gives an anxious child the
internal sense of being loved and safe that he of all people really
needs, and it enables a spirited child - zooming around so much that
new experiences are constantly crowding out old ones before they
have a chance to register deeply in memory - to integrate positive
experiences at all.
You
can teach your child how to make good moments a part of himself at
night as well, typically after you have already helped him relax and
let go of upsetting feelings. As with those skills, you can
encourage him to use what he's learning on his own, both in the
evening with you in the room, and during the day by himself. Here's
a powerful, step-by-step method:
• Review the day and talk about or
visualize the nice moments within it, such as sweet times with you,
accomplishing something, learning a new skill, or an acknowledgement
from others. Especially look for events that are the opposite of how
a child might characteristically feel, like reminding a cautious kid
who was nervous about petting a dog that it was really fun when the
animal licked his hand.
• As he recalls these, help him sense
the positive feelings that come with them[, either by recalling how
he felt earlier in the day or by evoking how he's entitled to feel
right now]. It's important that he not just recall a nice event, but
that he have a nice feeling.
• Encourage him to let the positive
feeling sink in to his body, like water into a sponge. (If you
haven't already, show him how water soaks into a dry sponge.) He
could also imagine that there's a treasure chest in his heart, into
which he places a picture of your smiling face, a great time with
his father, a success riding his tricycle, and so on. Remind him
that he is taking you and his dad with him wherever he goes, and
that he can draw on the memory of these good feelings whenever he
wants. While he is having this good experience, he could touch a
part of his body, such as his wrist or heart, so that he can "cue
up" the nice feelings again, in the future, just by touching that
same part of his body.
• As an optional bonus, (especially for
older children) you could finish up by having your child visualize a
difficult situation - while remaining completely relaxed, with a
strong sense of feeling good inside - and see himself acting
effectively. Start with relatively easy situations, and work up to
more challenging ones as the days go by. For example, you could ask
a cautious child to imagine being accidentally bumped while standing
in line at preschool, and see himself staying relaxed and
calm, not worried about being hurt. Or you could ask a spirited
child to imagine another child beating him in a board game, and then
see himself shrugging it off, staying relaxed and calm, not
getting mad or knocking the board over, and telling himself he'll
probably win next time. Then, have the child imagine the positive
outcomes that would result and the good feelings he'd have.
You can also use this technique as the
basis of a powerful, three-step exercise. First, the child imagines
the situation (while staying relaxed), sees himself acting in an
effective, positive way, and imagines how good that will feel. Then
he imagines the same situation, but this time he sees himself acting
in the old, not-so-great ways, and he imagines the bad results and
crummy feelings that would occur. Third, he makes a conscious choice
about which way he wants to act (hopefully, the positive approach!),
and then he visualizes that and the results. Taking Charge of His or
Her Mind
Even young children can be taught how to
gain more control over their thoughts, feelings, and wants.
Adjusting their approach to the age of the child, there are lots of
ways that parents can teach three useful skills:
• Self-observation - It's crucial
for a child to be able to notice when she is slipping into, or
already in, a state of being that could be a problem, such as
getting rigid or revved up. Just noticing it puts her back in the
driver's seat - like the rider of a horse who suddenly realizes her
mount is heading the wrong way. You can help by being like a mirror,
reflecting the child back to herself so she can see herself more
clearly; it's simple to do this by saying - in a gentle,
non-judgmental way - what you think might be going on, like: You
gotta have the red cup, right? Or: Are you feeling kind of zoomy?
You can also ask a child to step back from herself and tell you
what's happening inside: How excited are you right now - a little,
medium, or a lot?
• Talking back to his or her
thoughts - Your child can also argue with
the wrong or overly negative thoughts in her mind. As usual, you
start by doing it for the child, and then encourage her over time to
do it more and more on her own. (A fun way to move in that direction
is to take turns coming up with a reason why some negative thought
is wrong.) For example, if she is worried about burglars, you could
help her come up with this list of reasons why she's safe: The house
is all locked; lights are on; no one has ever been burglarized in
our neighborhood; three dogs live next door that bark at anything
that moves, and burglars stay away from dogs like that; our house
does not look rich. Or let's suppose that your spirited son was
excluded from some group of boys in kindergarten, and he thinks no
one likes him and school will be horrible. The rebuttals could
include: It happened once but it may not happen again; it happened
for a reason that you can change (i.e. don't grab the ball from one
of the boys in the group); mom will talk with the teacher who will
try to help out; kids are mean for lots of reasons (like their
brother was picking on them) that have nothing to do with you, so it
does not mean anything about you if they are mean; you played with
other kids later that day and it was fun; there are other kids you
could become friends with; you are a great and special person in
such-and-such ways; you will make lots of new and better friends in
the future; we love you a ton; your dog loves you; you are lovable;
love and a sense of your own worth are deep in your heart and will
never go away.
• Making good plans - It's so
helpful for a child to be aware of the plan that's currently in
place, the need sometimes to make a new plan, and the basic idea
that it's not OK to change plans unless mom or dad agrees. You can
tell a child what the current plan is: We're getting ready to leave,
and you shouldn't be trying to do anything else. Or ask - neutrally,
as a coach and teacher, not a scolding parent - what she thinks the
plan is: What are you supposed to be doing right now? Or have her
tell you what her plan is for something: How are you going to clean
up the cereal on the counter? What are the steps? If she gets
rigidly locked on to a plan in her mind - like she has to get
into the car before her younger brother - that needs to change, you
can talk with her about the need for a different plan: Yes, you
thought you could get in the car first. But Bobby's sick, he's got
the runny nose, so I didn't want him to stand in the wind while you
got in the car. I'm sorry, but we had to make a new plan. That
happens sometimes. Finally, suppose your spirited, rather impulsive
daughter sometimes changes the rules in games in order to win, and
that creates problems for her with other kids. You could say: Did we
agree you could roll the dice twice? No, we didn't. The plan in this
game is each person rolls once. You can't change the plan unless
everyone agrees.
To recap, the psychological skills you
give your child will not make a difference overnight. But if you
stick with them for several months, in most cases you'll see a
substantial improvement. If you don't, that would suggest a greater
extreme of temperament, or perhaps other issues, that are worth
discussing with a specialist in child temperament, your
pediatrician, or a therapist who works with children.
* * *
In our next column, we'll cover how to
improve temperamental problems in children by optimizing their
health and brain chemistry - which naturally has other benefits to a
child as well.
(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist,
Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a
daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they
are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in
Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You
can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with
questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a
personal reply may not always be possible.)
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